ForeignEd

Some look like it, but they don't seem like it
Some show it off with what they don't have.
Some speak it with when their heart didn't link with it.

I have been through all of these alone.

I paying a big price for my dreams. Which all resolves as soon as this good year ends.

I'm still the same girl.
..........

A girl who is living in 'foreign' land. Yes I'm the "FOREIGNED" Citizen. I live in my own house like a foreigner, I work as if I'd lost the job and "citizenship".

I wanna achieve as much as possible before the same episode of ill memories hit me again.
Seriously I don't know what I want in this "foreign" land. Everything seems new and scary to me.

It is not the end.

So much of rage
To see numbers escalate in my age
I cant dance it off like you MJ,
to retreat in disarray.

So FrustrateD. Lowest point in my Life.

I've a car coming up. But I guess no one would be as eagerless as I am.
Friends tell me watch the expenses. That was when the times were good and fog was no where to be seen.

The moment the strategy change in my organisation no one welcomed it with open arms as one could imagine.
Sales dropped and so did the revenue. It feels like being a poor kid again. Something familiar and unwanted especially with the never-ending expenses.
Lest hope not the stress and tension.

All I can do for now is Hope for the High Spirit to Hit Me Again.
I need the money. I need my shape. I need my arrogance. I need my Power.

I NeeD My Presence to be felt. Confidence may be restored. Keeping pride in Check.
I am that Millionaire by the Age 32. (one year after me golden age 31.)

Lord, Pls don't make me regret getting my new White Knight Asset.
Amen

is it my mistake if
I can see through your stupid take.
Smell your ulterior motive
without any utterance.
wreck ya guts in your loins.
Expose your weakness.
If I find myself to be strong
You try to prove I'm wrong.
Don't challenge me too deep.
just don't push yourself too hard.
You appear like a fool.

Equation in the Minds- To simplify it

Frustrations + enjoyment, guilt +pleasured, happy + tearful, funny + lame, stupid + narrowly intelligent, agressive + too forgiving, spendthrift + splurger,
pretty + yet loner, friendly , + loner, attracting+ loner, well-off = LONER.

Aah now I've figured. The answer is 'loner'. Cant define the emptiness. It is a void which I find it at night and the morning after I start measuring the space. In the evening I would fill it up, but during the wee hours of sleep I realise it is not filled after all...

So I look for Green and Cool Mr. Viceroy for all the sessions of the day. He's a Sensation when Flamed. Enters into me and gives me a insatiable heat. And he leaves without any signal killing me softly.

pupppyyy

I wanna a Puppy. Keep him close to me while I sleep. Feed him while I stroke him gently. Climb up to me whenever he sees at the end a tiring day from work. Command him to my presence if only he's up to naught. & attract lotsa love from my lil nieces & nephews.

Sometimes I wonder why people like small and cute living beings. Just "to pour out unconditional love". No expectations on either side, no demands, just cuddles & exchange of simple words & rubs from each other. Only cos they can't speak.

I just would like one. Someone to look out for when you come back home. Just need an urgent arrangement for a partner who loves dogs as one of his kid.

Just can't explain the excitement. But can I maintain him? Gd Qns.!

I've a craving for that familiar feeling. Perhaps I shouldn't rant about this anymore. It will only portray the impression that I'm not moving on. But for once allow me to just have pieces of memories strewn away here.- The feelings which are becoming stranger and stranger as the eternal interchanges of nights to day.

People change. I've changed too. Like my innocence, materialistic hunger, exposure, inability to trust anyone & so on and on. With the exception of my stubborn nature.

As we all evolve, during the growing phase of my life I have found simple joy. It came from serving others needs without ridiculous expectations. Perhaps one of the best moments of my life when I observed the above mentioned in a lil Italian Cafe in Science Park.

I was a bumper back then. No Joke! I barely knew what I should go for in life. So I did waiteressing. I was working or rather enjoying myself in this Science Park Anthonio's Cafe. But it wasnt that bad an option as what my mom thought to be. In fact she didn't knew I was did coffee making. Making espressos whose cost price is only 50cents and selling them at $3.00. Not bad eh. Stacking Muffins, pies and sandwiches personally supplied from the bakery.

I was mostly engaged in physical than mental activities. Stacking 10 odd alfresco tables with 30 wooden straw chairs together. Sometimes I would accidentally disrupt the lil rodents and blackened lizards to jump off from their sleep.

Temperature was horrendous. Its an outdoor cafe, exposed to the rain, humidity and shine. The perspiration sticks, face gets oily and dark blotches of sweat stamped in the underarm part of the Marooned Polo T. Somehow I wonder why I didnt complain like I do now. Perhaps call it Vanity.

So What kept me going then?

The aroma of the espresso brewing. Any anti-coffee freaks would risk betting their last dollar to loving it. The music of the coffee beans grinding. Which means fresher coffee and sales are picking up. Stainless Steel Coffee spoons stirred like the shape '8' by demure office ladies. Only to know they are enjoying their cuppa along with our out loud Radio screaming Class 95. Me preparing pastas to their Al Dente. The origniation for my Pasta Addiction.

Then how about ogling at tight bodied expats esp the Europeans.
Well I'm not ashamed about my undying fascination for the Europeans than the Americans. They just seem to appreciate the Espresso and know how to enjoy their lunch & still manage to look LEAN & MEAN.

Have I mentioned the Lunch Time Crowd? A meal easily could cost about $5.20. Wasn't it pretty high in 2001? There are some who would still visit us daily twice which calculates to my 2 hour pay? I would wonder that if these people are really rich or the food we served was great? I prefer the latter though. :P Well now that is what I would spend just for my BreakFast. Damn Inflation.

By 4pm, I'll be released off to go home. But it would be pretty damn early to knock off home. So I'll hitch a Bus ride to Paya Lebar to see my boyfriend. Who was then a Temporary Pallet stacker for SingPost. (Sadly we're no longer together since last year). He was such a simple and less complicated guy. We were so thrilled to meet each other. No expectations, no commitments! No Tensi0ns. Only a bike with petrol from the rider and the Pillion both fists latched from back without any say. & Love in the name of Fuel to keep both the Vehicle and Us going. Gosh. It didnt matter if we stink with our work sweat. Just ride to explore. Just Damn fucking good Jolly Ride. Seeking different woody spots in Singapore. Gosh, this was what I meant as Puppy Love perhaps. How does it feel like to be in such again?

Going back home was another challenge. Tough to let each other go. & Soon when we reach home- the handphone conversation began. Back then only Starhub had free incoming. I wonder if I could have survived without that Telco.
Now with a decent job to die for- a Far Cry since 2000, comfortable lives, Gd enough to afford a Cuppa daily & he's gone.
I'm so unfamiliar to those moments. Where am I? What am I to do to supress those yearnings...

Best Regards
Nithya L Krishnan
Financial Services Consultant
Maybank @ Tampines
Partnerships Distribution

It all started with "What have you been up to Naughty gal?"

Oh Dear S. S.,

Don't you think we had too many lil differences and quarrels over the past few months or a year or so. Call it petty issues that we couldnt agree upon. And then we would go missing for few weeks to months. Then again get aloof by starting to text again and getting back together. Perhaps seeking some TLC- which eventually didnt turn out to be.

It was just that this time it went beyond control. Esp when you said " no wonder you had been single". I'm sorry for my retaliation. But I had my reasons- It felt like a blow to my pride- I admit. So on my side words just streamed along with neither caution nor tact.

Was really shocked that it came from You! Well well what about you being Single... ? Wait beofre you bore me with your same monotonous excuses which are mounting work, no time etc etc, I Somehow rather hope you will tell me something new.

& back to my shock-U Knowing what I'm going through, you still blurted that out... I'm sorry for what I've texted you. Perhaps the reason is simple: There has been tension going on with us. It will be great if that could be mellowed down. With Conversations that is.

But this time you would probably say "Sorry I have trust issues"-Hmph!!!

Nevertheless I'm sorry.

Hope we can do Sushi again, before you go overseas. Catch a Beer again at Harborfront's VivoCity's Figs. And, Oh by the way, I can drive you home when I've gotten my 4 wheels by July...

Just want to give you a hug & of cos seek some good reciprocation.

This blog is sincere and is strictly intended to the Spottiswoode Resident!

:)