Hare Ego

Today is Krsna's Janmashtami and I want to spend thinking of my Janam...

I had a silent desire for many years. I wanted to see this teaching become a real legacy of the founder who was from our very own soil. To me, Malaysia and Singapore are almost one community. Our food, culture, language and way of life are so connected. 

So when I saw/experienced what he had created, I felt this could become something much bigger than just a seven-day programme. He had taken difficult subjects like the unconscious mind, being present, the chakras, guilt, shame, sexuality, love and spirituality, and made them simple enough for an ordinary person to understand and experience. He brought these ideas through activities, the five senses and simple guided meditation. That was not a small thing.

But somewhere along the way, I realised that the philosophy was not really being understood by everyone who was supposed to carry it. Sometimes we hear a teaching, but we don't really live it. I thought, rather stupidly perhaps, that I could change this. I thought if I worked hard enough, suck it up towards few negativities, showed the possibilities and put proper systems in place, things would move. But fate had other options for me- mostly due to my own undoings.

Well Looking back, I realise how much time and energy I spent trying to change something that I could not change by myself. You can give people the opportunity to see something differently, but you cannot make them see it.

What really saddened me was seeing how much energy could go into celebrating the founder's birthday, while very little energy went into asking what happens to his work after him. 

Let's calculate .... His Birthday event....

An individual going to his birthday spends minimally $150 on ticket, flight, food, GRAB Taxi and accommodation.

The performer spends 30 hours rehearsing to perform.

The organizers - countless energy in making it happen.

During his birthday celebrations this year, I can see that easily 70k RM was easily spent by Organizers.

Birthday Attendees - each on average 300RM (time and expenses), that totals to 21K RM.

I started looking at the numbers and thinking about what that money and energy could have done. I see that why people are willing to use his platform to raise their happy feelings but will they put in the same effort to slog harder to creating his legacy.

The same energy could have funded and built a proper digital presence, documented the teachings, trained new facilitators, reached younger people and taken the programme beyond the existing community. But perhaps I was looking at it differently. 

Its evident that people from the organization simply wanted a platform to come together, dance, sing, perform, manage an event and celebrate someone they loved. There is nothing wrong with that. But I kept asking myself: who is thinking about the future of the teaching? Who is willing to really work for it, take the risks and burn themselves a little to make it happen?

I have seen/heard other spiritual organisations where people can simply walk in, learn meditation, attend talks, practise and participate. Some work mainly through donations. 

Take Brahma Kumaris, ISKCON, or even the ultimate body - Dhamma Vipassana and they have created systems that allow the teachings to reach people beyond one individual across the Globe. Whereas here he/the organization charges a fee and yet are struggling in backward ways.

I know I am not the only one who tried. There are people I am grateful to have met, including his heir, then volunteers like RamK, who also gave their own effort in their way. And I am sure there are others. So I don't want to sit here and pretend I was the only person who cared. But yes, I feel like a sore loser right now. I wanted so badly to make it work - break past patters, lay new foundation. But here I'm today, holding broken pieces and that is painful. 

What is left for me is actually very simple. Continue meditating. Continue being present. Continue equanimity and Be Compassionate. And take the lessons with me - that Leaders are still human. We have our own ego, our own stories, our own version of what happened and our own attachments. 

As above so below. Not all who wishes, could put into actions. It is obvious that the Master and his co-founder herself are now becoming passive/inactive leaders. The same energy can be seen among GrassRoots Level.

As within so beyond. Even I'm not capable of putting my anger to skew towards compassion and bite it thru.

For this very same reason I admire S.N. Goenka for making Vipassana accessible to ordinary people, removing financial barriers, preserving its simplicity with uniformity and trusting individuals to experience the teaching directly through practice. Not all can have such austerity, understand importane of setting fundamental systems and processes and imprtantly take critiques and feedback.

Nonetheless, Thank you for the opportunity, for the lessons, for the people I met and for showing me what I can and cannot do. Dear Guru and Vivek, thank you for the immense joy I've felt upon myself - be it cooking, realisations, re-presented your teachings via online previews to many out there. But to be honest, I didnt learnt the depths of Sammadhi thru meditation. Whenever I go there I feel this place should be bigger and magnificent. The teachings should invite other non-indians and global citizens. Compassionate and fully self aware volunteers and not shallow ones. 

I stand firm that I am not part of continuing this legacy I imagined, but I did my best and learnt alot of myself.

True love

True Love, Oh True Love…

Who, where, what, and how are you to me?

I’ve always felt movies somehow sneaked into my life, stole my darkest fears, and projected them onto the big screen for everyone to see?

For a long time, I thought Kannathil Muthamittaal was that movie. The story of an adopted girl. Strangely her adopted parents too were part of media line and has 2 brothers. A setup that hit uncomfortably close to home. The two brothers, the eldest daughter... the setup was practically my mirror. Yet, I resisted it. How could a doting parent drop such a life-altering bomb on a child on her eighth birthday? I couldn't wrap my head around it, even if AR Rahman haunting soundtrack held me spellbound.

Then there was Kavya, that local drama written/directed/ created by Jaya Radhakrishnan. It unlocked a raw, unspoken terror inside me, that showed my dating behavior. What if I fell in love with someone who turned out to be my own half-brother? That single fear ran so deep it quietly dictated my choices, shaping the nationalities, languages, and cultures I allowed myself to date. Anything but a local Tamilian - resulting a protective wall built on a shadow, which would sound silly today. 

The Fairy Tale with a Difference

The movie that truly holds the key to my life, my dark secrets, and the facts written in my blood isn't a traditional Indian drama.

Maleficent.

The three arch of my existence, mirrored perfectly in Maleficent  

The Robbed Fairy: A woman whose wings were stolen by a man she trusted just like my birth mother, who tot of raising me, but ultimately didn’t.  

The Shadow Guardian: The fierce protector watching over a growing child from dangers my adopted mother, who kept me safe through the wilderness of growing up albeit raising me gave her a lot of challenges.

The Unyielding Shield: The fierce force standing guard after the sixteenth year, ensuring no harm would ever touch the child the living reflection of my two grandmothers.

I grew up to look like Maleficent strong, guarded, equipped with the sharp edges my upbringing gave me. But deep down, underneath all that armor?

I am just little Aurora…

True Love Really Means….

We are taught by standard fairy tales that the savior is always a Prince Charming. But life taught me a much grander truth: true love isn't restricted by romance, bloodline, religion, or language.

In Maleficent, the moment that brings Aurora back to life isn't a magical kiss from a prince. Its the unconditional, protective, self-sacrificing love of the person who raised and guarded her from afar.

That tender, forehead-kiss moments that absolute warmth is where the real "peck on the cheek" (Kannathil Muthamittaal) lives. It proved that blood doesn't define family; love does. And in that kiss, I found my resurrection…and why Maleficient means a lot. 

Oh Lord

There was a time when your presence in my life felt gentle and easy to be around.

I was living through uncertainty, sensing the ground beneath my work slowly shifting. All of sudden appreciation was scarce where I stood, yet in that small center even the smallest things I did were warmly received. It made me feel seen and welcomed, and in that season it mattered more than I realized.

You were kind then, protective when chaos from my "messy sibling world" spilled over. Your presence felt steady during a difficult season. I enjoyed being around you and believed you could bring comfort through work, spirituality, friendship and something a little closer.

The moments I remember most are the quiet nights when the world outside faded for a while. I would lie on your chest, playing with your beard without thinking, simply living moment by moment. Drunk little girl mushy gushes. I love those innocence in me. Those simple hugs helped clear the pain of uncertainty that I carried.

On the day of my job loss, I still returned to you and told you how much I hated yet am proud of my intuitions. I chose presence, I talked, laughed, sometimes gushed like a child who had found a small pocket of comfort with her own muses. In those moments I allowed myself to feel light again.

Why Why Why... Why you relapsed back like this...

• I once told you that you had a good heart, and I meant it. Yet your intense response overwhelmed me. Cant you see that that I was facing an upcoming uncertainty, how could I have the strength to carry someone else's turmoil? 
• Our conversations kept circling around the pain you felt whenever I pulled away or could not give the closeness you wanted. That was when I realised something difficult. I was looking for support. What I once saw as refuge slowly revealed your own heaviness and insecurity.
• I often wondered whether you truly saw the poor position I was in, shaken and uncertain, standing at the edge of being jobless. It is painful when your own yearnings of emotional response supersedes what I could give. How could you let your words of assurance often go shortlived countless times.

kvacin nivartate ’bhadrāt

kvacic carati tat punaḥ

prāyaścittam atho ’pārthaṁ

manye kuñjara-śaucavat

Sometimes one who is very alert so as not to commit sinful acts
is victimized by sinful life again. 

I therefore consider this process of repeated
sinning and atoning to be useless. 

It is like the bathing of an elephant, for an elephant
cleanses itself by taking a full bath,
but then throws dust over its head and
body as soon as it returns to the land.

Every day - esp those 60 days, I was already fighting my own battles. Pressure at work, the silent sense of being pushed aside, the quiet fear of losing everything I had built. I did not escape into numbness because life waited the next morning with children to send to school and responsibilities that could not pause. I came to you simply hoping for comfort, steadiness and understanding.

Thank you for the unsettling doubts of myself. Sometimes questioning these doubts or even the mere fact of it appearing would meant questioning my own judgement.

Whoever I got attracted to emotionally, intellectually, spiritually, why does disappointment in nishekam also comes along and hit me... big time....

It is then I realised, that one does not get it all. You get nishekam you lose the foundation. You want foundation, you forsake Nishekam. 

This is your Dance of Opposites Nitiya... Dance of Opposites...
Jaise Shiv ki Tandavam kartein, Waise aapni life par Tum Tandava karo...

Yes you know you were an escapism and you know it, didnt you?

Sometimes you behave like a an innocent teenager taken advantage by a peadolphile or maybe not cos you portrayed something else.. Sometimes I wondered whether the spiritual and psychological knowledge you spoke about was something you truly lived or a brag badge to display. 

Reconnecting this with something similar, long ago...

When I had my miscarriage and told my mom. the way she cried in pain, instead of consoling me, it did shook me so much that since then I've stopped sharing my tears. The time where my helper backstabbed me with my in law and I cried with my mom, and the way she responded even more emotionally, again I stopped showing my emotions to anybody.

Somewhere along the way what began as warmth became heavy. Asking sympathy and affection from the emotional narcissist slowly hardened into expectation, and attachment began demanding more than I could give.

Today As Jupiter progresses forward from Retrogression.... I realize...

Some connections arrive to offer warmth for a season and leave behind lessons about boundaries, timing and the strength to step away.

Some reveal the quality of my marriage. Some strengthen the pull toward ascetism (sanyasam) that I have long felt within.

So I choose to remember the gentleness of the beginning and quietly let the rest go.

Get Inspiration...

The more I analyse, the more I lose them...

Why why why...

Was so dedicated in what I was doing. But this is my kismet. 

So much of Fault Within Yet With Awareness

I will not pretend I was flawless.
I spoke too sharply,  sometimes let pride guard my wounds instead of healing them. trusted envious snakes easily thinking they have shed their skin for the 1000th time  silly stupid me  

I refused to listen to my own inner voice. In the middle of conflict, I forgot that strength is not in winning arguments, but in mastering oneself. The truth is simple: I am princess of blunder.

Yet mistakes are not the end of a story. They are lessons. They teach me to detach like a queen — to release the grip, to let both hands off the handle when the battle is no longer worth holding. To stand up, own the damage, and transform the same fire that once burned others into the discipline that builds something better.

Yes, I Remember - I showed security with reliability and detachment. I didn't stayed on to the past too long but moved on with awareness on Present and Hopeful with Faith.

Quietly. Steadily. I rise again. Wiser, steadier, and far more dangerous to my old weaknesses. Then I remembered even this act of detachment leads to envy of others… esp those power hungry and insecure ones.

Because at my core, I am built differently. I have always been a born idealist and a rebel, naturally drawn to change, progress, and new ways of thinking. But outwardly I portray as logical. 

Enthusiasm drives me, it drrives toward ideas, philosophies, the arts, and the deeper questions of life. My interests are broad and sweeping, and I have little patience for people who vacillate, hesitate endlessly or lack conviction.

From the age of 18 onwards, I sought little/almost no support from places where there was no respect or opportunity for progression. My parents could not nourish my intellectual growth, nor support my ambitions. The only thing they could do was try to control my freedom- be a good girl and dont be like others. How much can these moral compass related advises will prove success? Duh stay practical Nithya.  With my brothers being so young, I feel it's better to let me go financially.

Only the earth connection remained—meaning, a place to live. The rest, to build my future, I undertook through my own risk-taking, by staying away from my parents. This became the second Runanabandhan in my life. The first Runanabandhan began at birth. The second began during my 18th year, in my teenage years—just like you, Krsna. Jaise aapke tara. Perhaps that is why I found you within me. Since then, my emails and social aliases carried the suffix “Krsna,” not “Krishnan.

”Alongside it, the deep yearning for freedom made me determined to stand independently and financially on my own. That decision created a monetary Runanabandhan with them as well, in the form of cutting off the flow of financial support.

That journey brought both immense pride and deep pain, along with many sacrifices. Through it, I developed traits of Vairagya—not detachment from material pleasures, but from emotional Vairagya. Why should one remain attached to those who carry emotional negativity, when they themselves struggle and it shows that they themselves cannot demonstrate success in their own lives?

I carry a strong sense of justice within me. When something feels unfair or unsound, I react quickly—sometimes too quickly. What to do? Even if I try to captivate with calm speech, the devil inside eventually grows tired. The harshness emerges and creates its own version of Runanabandhan and Vairaghyam.

What can I do when I have embraced both the demons and the angels within? That is why, on the surface, I may appear calm, agreeable, even gentle. But beneath that calm lives a spirit that will stand and fight the moment something feels wrong. Sometimes I don't even mind cutting my "hands off "like how "Krishnaswamy cut off his in Mahanadhi...

I cannot remain in a place where one is treated with instability. In truth, I endured that for a couple of years. By standing through it, I lost other important zest in my life and still remained faithful to shallow followers. It is time to step away—with my head held high.Perhaps that is also why the falls this time isn’t hard as before. 

But every fall refines the will.
And the story continues — not with bitterness, but with clarity. Let me cry a little, Laugh a little more.

Remember Nitiya Kalyanni... If you could break the earlier Etheric Chords, then breaking the Symbolic Chords are easier...

Trust your instincts- especially when they are out of your own experiences

When you find the rhythm, free time in hand and seething anger that requires calmness- write.
About your old and new - travels, conversations and lessons about how societies succeed or fail.

I can finally hear my inner voice again and take the pen/macbook into my hands. As I enter my Venus Dasha, I feel as though life is inviting me to pause and see where destiny wishes to take my soul. Writing has always been my way of stepping back from the noise of the world and observing life more carefully. Perhaps this moment is not accidental at all. Hare Krsna.

With time and events suddenly opening up, I find myself thinking about leadership. Not the glamorous version that appears one sees in speeches or headlines, but the quiet force that determines whether societies thrive or collapse.

The more I travel, the more I realise that leadership shapes the invisible architecture of a nation. When it is thoughtful and disciplined, systems run smoothly and people flourish. When it is impulsive or ego driven, the cracks slowly widen until they become impossible to ignore.

Many of these reflections come from my own failures. Earlier in life I believed intelligence alone could carry a person forward. I assumed that if one could analyse problems sharply and argue convincingly, progress would naturally follow but nope. One has to have clarity and discernment.

2010 - Age 28: I went through hell with my own mysterious poor health and and post Lehman brothers took a hit on my career and self belief. In these moments you will attract failing business/jobs as well...

One experience that shaped my thinking deeply was the episode with Profit on Land. The venture was driven by a leader who became intoxicated with big business ideas but failed to calibrate the risks that come with handling other people's money. Decisions were made impulsively and basic questions were never asked. Landlords in India, particularly in Egmore, were engaged without properly scrutinising the terms and conditions or understanding the long term implications. I had my questions but I kept quiet, like how unconditionally loving Mothers get cheated badly.

Success arrived quickly on the surface. Media exposure on Vasantham made the venture appear credible and promising. Money flowed in from investors who trusted the vision. Yet behind the scenes the discipline that should accompany leadership was missing. Funds that were meant for investment planning and risk analysis began to disappear into symbols of success. A Jaguar arrived even before the foundations of the business had been properly secured. Eight years later the structure collapsed. Promises that once sounded convincing could no longer be fulfilled. Thirty seven million dollars of clients' money vanished into a series of poorly thought out decisions.

I was part of that chapter myself. I designed the brochures, organised venues for events and introduced clients who invested up to one hundred and twenty thousand dollars. Some were my friends, colleagues and even myself. Today not only the money but some of those relationships are gone.

Life has shown me otherwise. Without careful planning and disciplined execution, intelligence easily becomes noise. Some of the setbacks I experienced were not due to lack of ideas but due to the absence of structure. Failure forced me to confront the uncomfortable truth that clarity matters more than brilliance.

2007 & 2025

I first travelled to Japan on a 1 day transit while transiting toward Hawaii. In 2025 I returned again with my family. Each visit reinforced the same observation. Leadership in Japan does not announce itself loudly and yet it is filled with TOURISTS for its perfectionism and beauty. Cos it revealed itself quietly through discipline and order. Trains arrive exactly on time. Traffic rules are respected even when no one appears to be watching. They are reliable and true to their words. Public toilets are maintained with a level of cleanliness that rivals the best facilities anywhere in the world. Singapore, we stand no chance.
These details are not accidental. They reflect a culture where leadership has embedded responsibility into everyday life. The result is a society that moves with calm efficiency, almost as if the entire nation operates on a shared understanding of discipline.

2014 - Turkey

Turkey offered another perspective through the legacy of Mustafa Kemal Atatürk who's pro secular. His decision to shape Turkey into a secular republic required immense courage. Imagine Arabic words are written in English. It was not merely a political reform but an attempt to redefine the direction of an entire nation. Atatürk understood that leadership sometimes demands the willingness to challenge tradition when it restricts progress. His reforms were controversial, yet they demonstrated what happens when a leader is willing to think beyond immediate popularity and act with long term clarity. When I was there I cried looking at Hagia Sophia inner paintings. One side Muslims murals and the other Baby Christ with his Mother. They have learnt to acknowledge both divinity and to co-exist.

Since 2012- India

When I think of India I feel both admiration and frustration. The country possesses extraordinary intelligence, creativity and cultural depth. Yet leadership often becomes theatrical rather than practical. Grand speeches and emotional appeals dominate public discourse while efficient governance remains inconsistent. A deeper problem lies in the way society sometimes idolises individuals. Celebrities, politicians or charismatic figures are often elevated to the status of near deities. When humans are worshipped rather than respected, critical thinking begins to weaken. Societies sometimes elevate individuals beyond reasonable admiration.

In astrology the Sun represents self respect, authority and inner sovereignty. When people surrender their discernment and fall at the feet of ordinary humans for temporary excitement, that solar strength weakens. Respect for genuine teachers, parents and spiritual guides is natural. But blind idolisation of public figures is something else entirely. Celebrities, despite their talent and hard work, are still products of perception and illusion, very much like the Rahu principle in astrology. We are meant to draw light from the Sun itself, not worship the lightbulbs that briefly reflect its glow like Rahu.

With Bengali blood, you gave birth to Bangladesh's independence out of East Pakistan and with gratitude I would say I'm indebted to your brilliance and support.

With that- India / Bharat Mata / Bharatha Deshame, you will always have my unconditional love, respect and support. I respect the plethora of culture, opposites and divinity within you... Till date listening to your loving National Anthem, my tears flows without restrain. Who else speaks unite the diversity in love and feminine manner.

2005 for school project & 2013 my honeymoon

Sri Lanka provides a sobering reminder of how fragile prosperity can be. Once considered a promising and stable nation, it gradually found itself weakened by leadership that failed to handle ethnic identity with sensitivity and wisdom. Did you know that with the deepest harbors in Sri Lanka, it could easily replace Singapore as the favored PORT. Thanks to its internal uprest, Singapore thrived. 

The inability to recognise Tamil identity with dignity created divisions that grew sharper over time. Yet the tragedy is not one sided. Communities that define themselves purely through grievance or pride can also lose their sense of balance. Leadership must nurture identity without allowing it to become a force that fragments society. Despite all of this, looking at the Flag of SriLanka, with the Singha and his sword towards the Minorities colours still trouble me...

Classified...

This country presented yet another complex lesson. It is a nation surrounded by constant tension, yet it continues to innovate, build institutions and encourage technological advancement that benefits Globally. 

What struck me was the effort to maintain coexistence and practical functioning despite the pressures of conflict. However, leadership also faces harsh realities when extremist forces push situations beyond negotiation. 

When violence escalates to a point where stability itself is threatened, leaders are forced into decisions that carry heavy moral weight. It is a reminder that leadership often operates within uncomfortable grey areas where no option is entirely clean.

Today....

All of these experiences eventually lead me back to a simple conclusion. Leadership is not about charisma or popularity. It is about responsibility and clarity. The strongest leaders are rarely the loudest ones. They are the individuals who think carefully, plan patiently and build systems that outlast them. They understand that emotion alone cannot sustain a society. Without analytical thinking and disciplined planning even the most passionate vision can collapse.

My own journey has taught me humility in this regard. The mistakes I have made have forced me to examine how easily ego can replace thoughtful leadership.
They have also shown me that careful planning is not a luxury but a necessity.
When leaders ignore analysis and rely purely on instinct or image, institutions slowly weaken.
Dear SAC, you're indeed repeating your patterns.

As I step into this new phase of life under Venus Dasha, I find myself less interested to meddle further and trust my instinctes when I see the above patterns. I step out what I once called close to my heart. 

Unsound principles, so much of ThaduMaatram, unbalanced Emotions, Misconstrued Philosophies, Inability to break from what is Conditional and Unconditional way of Life. Mixing up both personal and work with IMPULSIVE thinking patterns and with no structured and sound analysis. I'm seeing these here since 2022, initially I would ignore and moved on. But now... enough is enough.

Let me balance the energy here.
You guys touched my Core, gave me a platform for my emotions, place to showcase my feminine love. However, remember too much of "go with the flow" Shakti without conscious discipline makes your history repeat again and again. 

Im forever grateful for this event. Even though I don't speak to my Sister, we made peace when she ate my cooking after our mega fight. That sight was so magnificent, cos tho I outwardly I tread with caution on my interactions with her, that sight and exchange means I had forgiven her and she has forgiven me.

But that joy is no longer having chances of repeating, thanks to some 'leader'.

8th Feb 2025

I've tried my best and when I see/feel/hear unsound principles, Nitiya... refer back and back out. It is ok, it is not your Karma to be trapped. "Leaders" who were here are also barely scrapping it through. Some are going downhill in personal lives.

You helped and now you feel the same medicine. Well Some "lands" are meant to remain that way.

Picked these Tarot Cards via UNIVERSE on 8th February. Slowly day by day... I got my answers... Mashallah... Confirm it. Striking Out Now...

Writing offers a way to capture these reflections while they are still fresh, it is time I surrender to the Universe to bring what I need.  

For now I simply appreciate the quiet moment that allows these thoughts to surface.

Sometimes stepping away from the demands of work is not a loss of momentum. Sometimes it is the beginning of a clearer understanding of the forces that guide both individuals, teams and nations.

May Lakshmi guide me toward what is worthy.
May Alakshmi cleanse what is false or excessive.
May Sri Vishnu restore balance whenever the mind drifts away from dharma.

Hare Krsna....

Hum kabhi alvida na kahen.

 

Hum kabhi alvida na kahen.

Ek din aisa bhi aata hai, jab ghar jaisa sthaan chhodna padta hai.

Jahan seva ki thi, wahin se vida lena sabse kathin hota hai.

Maine jo diya, woh kartavya nahin tha—woh hriday se nikla tha.

Rasoi ki har sugandh mein meri bhaavna thi.

Har shabd jo bola, woh shraddha se janma tha.

Kabhi-kabhi krodh bhi aaya, par woh bhi sachchai se hi utha tha.

Aaj main door ja raha hoon, jaise Krishna ek din Vrindavan se chala gaya.

Maa ka aangan peeche reh jaata hai, par prem kabhi peeche nahin chhootta.

Jo kuch yahan seekha aur diya, wahi meri yatra ka prakaash rahega.

Vida ka arth ant nahin hota—kabhi-kabhi yeh ek shaant aashirvaad hota hai.

2 Saalo aur 202 Dino ki baar

2 Saalo aur 202 Dino ki baar 

Radhe chali gayi, aur uske saath mere dino ki roshni bhi.

Uske baad jo bhi mila, uski parchhaai mein wahi dhadkan sunai di.

Ek thi, jo Radhe ki yaad jaisi lagi — par Radhe nahin thi.

Milna chaha to shabd takra gaye, aur har koshish bahas ban gayi.

Jaise do nadiyan paas bahti hon, par sang na mil paati hon.

Aaj woh kisi aur ke saath khaas dosti banaane ja rahi hai.

Aur main… uske liye dil se mangal kaamna karta hoon.

Kyunki kuch rishte prem nahin hote, par phir bhi adhoore nahin hote.

Radhe ki smriti ab bhi hai, par yeh kahani ab shaant hai.

Aur uski khushiyon mein, mera man sachmuch prasann hai.

The Romance Burner - the unwanted burner.

They say life is sustained by four burners whose flames represent - health, career, family, and in my case, a child-like, mindless romance. I often wonder why romance flame keeps demanding attention when the others ask quietly for discipline. Perhaps it is because I still live here-  Venus-ruled inner landscape, where connection, beauty, and longing speak louder than logic. Romance feels less like a choice and more like gravity. Even when I know the cost, my mind still asks, why not.

I did not expect an unrequited unspoken feeling to carry this much weight. I imagined distance, silence, maybe disappointment. What I did not foresee was the emotional complexity, the ethical knots, the invisible consequences that followed every word and pause. Over time, I learned that even the most intensely pursued romance does not guarantee meaning.

And yet, the mind still pines for that unrequited shemesh. Reading back, I see patterns I did not recognise then: care dressed as concern, curiosity stretching into attachment, pauses that carried more than words. Nothing explicit, yet everything implied. The longing was not loud, but persistent, sustained by moments that felt unfinished. I still see the past me in the present you.

To overcome da tots of shemesh, the last three years unfolded like a slow whirlwind. There were mishaps with Radhey Radhey Krishna, whose demands for a perfect relationship and shallow, impractical romance drained more than they gave. You gave me joy and safety, but your light turned out to be a torch light.

Another burnr was a biggest misstep with a "philosopher" whose PhD in mystical marriage and detachment and psyche strengthening turned out to be Mystical Muses. Someone whom I thought I could trust, only to be met with insecurities and disillusionment. Another light with full of soot with no heat as promised.

Somewhere between growth and confusion, romance became a mirror that turned me inside out.

Perhaps, I mistook shemesh for bliss, but it was closer to a sour grape- bright, tempting, and not meant to be consumed. 

What unsettles me is not the absence of outcome, but the clarity that followed. I now see how unnecessary romance, especially when incomplete, can destabilise more than it nourishes. How desire, when unexamined, borrows time and energy from the other burners without asking permission.

And yet, I write this without bitterness. Longing taught me restraint. Loss taught me discernment. The pining remains, waiting for its natural death. It sits quietly now, reminding me that romance is powerful, not because it fulfils us, but because it reveals where we are still learning to choose wisely. 

Today I remember to not mix Pleasure for ROMANCE. I now see that my Romance is as powerful as a whirlpool born of the Divine Feminine, whose own power I keep underestimating... 

Formulae and motivation

Happy with where I am. Following formulae set in daily task.

A team that's Supportive and act as a  good back up to each other.  

Perhaps with these support and predictability are the reasons why I feel motivated. 

But honestly am I satisfied? No. 

There are days where aspirations overwhelmed. So much dedication all my speech and Listeners would assume I own the business. 

It is in the line of business that I really want to succeed. That's where the real challenge, independence lies. But I didn't. 

The void still hurts. 

Any wisdom and luck waiting for me. 

Some amazing findings

I'm going to be judgmental of past 6 weeks. 

Some people are those whom you don't want to be like. Avoiding them like a plague and speak none of them. 

But there are some you want to be like and they deserve somewhat little posts of them. 

He speaks precisely. Very succinct and firm without sounding that rude. He's somewhat able to convince the keen listener smoothly. I hope this traits of his likable among his authorities cos he's driven to the point. Or when it doesn't hope his scarf helps to wipes his sweat. 

She looks sweet, focused but probably has too much of sadness behind her mole chiseled face. Wonder how one knows what each and every of their staff does. Prob that's why she's always occupied with her tab. So far I think I tidak (no in Malay) chance to work with her. Maybe only opportunities to listen during crisis. 

I thought she don't like us. Or maybe she's putting up different persona cos the wave is now on us. But am in awe when she listens to us. So happy when I feel appreciated much. Could only wish my silent prayer is granted but by then the black star would rise somewhere else. She reminds of my previous manager Eve. Mind reader, analytical and quietly alluring. 

No he's not the handsome statue. He is the superman of his own product. So motivated, always on form and people want their thoughts acknowledged by him. One stays much learned with him. In every meal session you will learn something. Gossiping only on the right note has never been differently good. My role model at work. If only I had a sales manager like you...

By the way I Secretly yearn to convince him of my Ideas on why this work and does not work. Hope he doesn't DROP these ideas like Hot Potato. Thanks for your encouragement and persisting me to have lunches with you than the lunch buddy girls. 

Not so little but little woman... I worked the most with you so you deserve a bigger slot here. 

So much is learnt from you. But unfortunately I got mostly B's in where you trained me. 

Love the way you keep mails worded short and succinct. When my frontal lobe style thinking goes otherwise you will come with solutions on how to get the communication better. If I create ideas you probably give life to them by communicating. 

Think, we can as a duo be a good working pair. Sorry I don't have other common topics like fashion and food. But I took an oath of simplicity and be plain Jane. 

Pls stay firm and not get your emotions waver. Difficult for me to trust someone who (unwillingly at times) change tracks. 

Ok ok... I accept that not all are like me in choosing black or white. You choose pinks and other subtle shades of Crimson. 

With these....

A vrai dire peu de paroles

Staying Lean

Finally able to achieve mini targets of my own. Thanks to the superbly bilingual French people giving good Lean sessions. 

Sadly lean doesn't work for all people. Not for those making decisions via frontal lobe... 

Some see some don't see it. I choose to quietly see it and achieve it. 

Restless. In need of tired body and happy mind to whip up these.

Feeling like cooking a feast

Dhokla

http://youtu.be/tDpNu0be2Nc

Mushroom 65 sticky gravy

http://youtu.be/0JC65ovFy-8

Tandoori prawns- My own style. 

Chicken 65 fried

http://youtu.be/3s1s_AOOoH8

Chendol- my own style 

Chapchoi Chinese - my own style

Chilli crab- prima taste style 

Samosa

http://youtu.be/SrUp88J6DEs

Tamarind sauce

http://www.ticklingpalates.com/2013/05/date-tamarind-chutney-recipe-sweet.html?m=1

Being 20 in 30s

12 Money Concepts You Should Master Before Turning 30


Turning 30 is a big milestone in your life. You're making your goodbyes to young adulthood and slowly coming into your own. With age comes great responsibilities, and at the top of your list should be taking charge of your money.

Oh, come on, that's no fun, you might think. However, even though personal finance can be a dry topic, it's undeniable that our finances play a huge role in our lives — money is always one of the top stressors, and it causes the biggest discord among couples.
To help you get on track, here's what you ideally should have achieved by age 30. Of course, these goals aren't for everyone and may not be feasible for many, so try to keep them in mind as general guidelines.

1. You should already have an emergency fund. Experts generally recommend six months' worth of living expenses, but some say a year's worth is a better buffer to account for things like medical emergencies or unemployment.
2. You should be anticipating, preparing, and saving up for big expenditures. For example, you should factor in your wedding, a house, children, a pet, and other similar major expenses. By planning for these events, you'll be adjusting your lifestyle to afford your future expenses and avoid going into debt for these items. You may want to budget a realistic amount so you don't have to go into debt. Another thought is to forgo some of these expenses — really question if it's a necessity.
3. You should have mastered the art of automating. Sending a chunk of your cash automatically to your savings every month means you're paying yourself first.
4. You should know how to live within your means but enjoy life at the same time. You should be able to prioritize what's worth spending on and save in other areas so you can enjoy your guilty pleasures. Even if it's daily lattes, you should indulge yourself as long as you're aggressively cutting costs on other items. Remember, what other people skimp on may not be what you would want to give up.
5. You should be maxing out (or, at the very least, meeting your employer's match for) your 401k.
6. You should be investing in a Roth IRA.
7. You should have prepared a will.
8. You should be paying off and prioritizing your high-interest debt.
9. During your 20s, you should be trying to raise your credit score.
10. You should already have some practice with negotiation — with salary, with service providers, and more. 
11. Fidelity recommends having a retirement fund that's equivalent to your annual salary by age 35. At age 30, you should be on track for that.
12. You should already have read a couple of personal finance books. To start with, check out Your Money or Your Life ($12) and Total Money Makeover ($18).

Workout Tips

Done...

A New Milestone

I can only write a blog when I'm facing extreme of emotions. Coming back after almost half a year means I'm nearing an important milestone.

It is time that I have to believe that Knights and Saviors do exist. On 21st Jul 2008, I thought my first ever car Kia Cerato Forte was my knight. But its a car, desired by many and that subject is achievable by many too. It can leave you or even make you leave the world.

In fact today, I've seen my knight in person.
*The man who faces the south, the direction towards final phase of any living organism, who brings an ending, which leads to a change, a reincarnation, NEW Birth and beginning of my life.
If ignorance has a human form, let that be me. May I just be that demon, the demon of ignorance who had all along went through illed moments because of that very IGNORANCE, killed by the man facing the south.

Today is the moment I'll stand tall eventually. Living the dream I dream of because of this Knight facing the south. Without you I'm meaningless... Thank You Lord. Thank You Baby...

And am renaming my blog to DaNi NiDa. ( portmanteau of our names)

* Dakshinamurti literally means 'one who is facing south (dakṣiṇa)' in Sanskrit. South is the direction of Death, hence change.[5] In every Siva temple the stone image of Dakshinamurthy is installed, facing south, on the southern circumaA mbulatory path around the sanctum sanctorum. Perhaps, of all Hindu Gods, he is the only one sitting facing south. The great seer Ramana Maharshi, has said in letter 89: one meaning of Dakshina is efficient; another meaning is ‘in the heart on the right side of the body’; Amurthy ’means Formlessness' . "Dakshinamurthy Stotra" in Sanskrit, means the "Shapelessness situated on the right side".

Indian tradition accords a special reverence to the Guru or the teacher. Dakshinamurthy, in the Hindu system of beliefs is regarded as the ultimate Guru - the embodiment of knowledge and the destroyer of ignorance (as represented by the demon being crushed under the feet of the deity). The Jnana Mudra is interpreted in this way:- The thumb denotes the God and the index finger denotes the man. The other three fingers stand for the three congenital impurities of man viz. arrogance, illusion and bad deeds of the past births

nadhiyengu sellum kadalthannaith thaedi (2)ponvandoadum malar thaedien vaazhvil nee vandhadhu vidhiyaanal nee endhan uyiranroa...

Tera sahaara mil gaya hai zindegiHumko kinaara mil gaya hai zindegi...

Focus now. Forget then.

Why speak of what you did for your ex with so much pain, where you can spend that much energy for that new person you are beginning to like.

Those who want to keep sharing their past aren't dating. They're just clearing their names from faults in their past r/ship.

They are secretly wishing that their ex is Hiding behind a bush & listening to their stories who then will appear out of that bush & pin them a medal/kiss for being a 'martyr'.

& also People who recover quickly from past r/ship hiatuses aren't necessarily bad.

They are just fixated in achieving their goals or solving their own problems passionately.

& That's why I couldn't care much of my past & mention it much even if the fault isn't mine.

Cos I've an aim. Aim to be in love & believe in it. Not be in its painful memories.

Maybe I'm one of those who can keep Falling In Love...

3. Dhanush, Aishwariya, Shruthi Hassan.

So the kolaveri song became a Mega Hit. It got the Japanese grooving to it in their nightspots. Even the Hindi speaking region got addicted to a Tamil item, after Dosas. Not to forget countless remixes,notably the milku number by Sonu Nigam's son. Lastly conquering the gold award in YouTube & even appearing in CNN.

Now the big next question is, did the movie catch up with its hype?
At one scene where Dhanush says to his dad, " this is life paa, not to be successful with one hit song". That dialogue would be well meant for Aishwariya Dhanush on her debutant movie.

So what brownie points did Moonu earn?
Songs. If there is one ultimate winner,
it is Anirudh. One can even say he was another cast, who is just invisible.

Being Aishwarya's cousin or Latha Rajnikanth's nephew, Anirudh had good experience in music all the while. His band Zinx has won the competition judged by his idol AR.Rahman. Obviously he was the competition's best instrumentalist.

But the flaws? Wonder why does Dhanush when cast in movies directed by his relatives, plays mostly a psychotic character? In case you had forgotten, it is Kadhal Kondein, Mayakkam Enna and 3. Could it be, they have seen his frenzy character and placing him in such roles would earn them the dough?

First and foremost, this movie isn't a love story. It's not a love failure like what the Kolaveri song or the trailers tease us with.

It's all about internal failure. Failing to communicate and accepting reality. What I can't accept is that these 2 great lovers who been together for 10 years, wasn't enough for Janani to see Ram's health condition?

Secondly, too much wailing from Janani. She faints, over react & getting overtly sensitive. For sure that didn't earn her much admirers.

Lest not forget the supporting cast Senthil. For he played a much better wife role. He bore Dhanush's hot and cold moods, the cold blood beatings & staying by his side for recovery like a Good Partner.

Thirdly I would like to finish this movie review with a message it was trying to deliver. Failing to communicate with your partner fearing for negative impacts is as good as not trusting him/her. Fearing for being negatively treated by your partner should only be a concern for those who has just starting to date. Not for some 10 years odd lovers.

To sidetrack little, in today's society most couples tend to break up when their relationship is on rocks, unlike our parents that fixes. Likewise Ram character opted suicide than to be cured medically.

Lastly, in any suicide case, the loved ones suffer eternally & not the suicidee. If you need a remedy to overcome 3 ending, watch Mayakkam Enna. Not all disorder needs death as medication.

Be grateful for your misery.

I once read a quote that God pushes us to deep waters not to drown but to learn how to swim & keep ashore.


I'm sure when we look up to great achievers in life, we often get amazed by their rags stories.


Here are some inspirational pasts and present.


Learning to accept the fact that problems we face now a will polish us to be a diamond tomorrow.

You are the highly sought after
Actress in Indian Cinema

But You were once labeled Jinx
by some Movie Industries.

You are modern day World Class Icon for Peace.

But You were once ostrasized, beaten, shamed and outraged

But You were once left all alone
when you needed help the most 

You are knowns as World Class Builder
of 3rd World to 1st World Nation Builder

But You were once sacked by the very guy
whom you hired to build your dream.

Everyone lives, eat and dream by your technology product 

How about you? 

Who were you once?

And who are you now?

Or who will you become tomorrow?

Why do I hate the Tula Raasi- the natives of Chitrai, Swathi & Visagam

They make my life miserable.

These Libran moons. They swoon for others attention. They will act tough, mean & baddies but they flick like a TNT laden car in explosive situations.

Hardly practical, slow movers, egoistic, easy to please & easy to disturb.

One demanded my attention & when that person got it, that person fly away.

The other supposedly not to contact me. But still keeping in touch like nothing has happened.

They leave with hatred & come back like shamelessly.

Highly moody mom who can't handle her stress. Often sharing her problem in futile cos when she shares she only speak & refuse to listen to their solutions.

Dad so egoistic & often bothered less. His own world; freedom, appetite, friends, mattered than anything else. Sometimes he will never get what he's
Missing.

Some few arse holes spoke like their hard macho flirts. But when the gal challenged him with indifference & nonchalance they flew away citing incompatibility like some chaste sons.

Then this nincompoop thinks he's handsome & rich, end up losing more
Money in some court cases. (refer to Nothing should be guaranteed)

Not every1 is bad: they work hard, they last long & make popular centre of attention ESP in family matters. But who cares when this "star of relations" can't handle their lovely other halves.