There was a time when your presence in my life felt gentle and easy to be around.
I was living through uncertainty, sensing the ground beneath my work slowly shifting. All of sudden appreciation was scarce where I stood, yet in that small center even the smallest things I did were warmly received. It made me feel seen and welcomed, and in that season it mattered more than I realized.
You were kind then, protective when chaos from my "messy sibling world" spilled over. Your presence felt steady during a difficult season. I enjoyed being around you and believed you could bring comfort through work, spirituality, friendship and something a little closer.
The moments I remember most are the quiet nights when the world outside faded for a while. I would lie on your chest, playing with your beard without thinking, simply living moment by moment. Drunk little girl mushy gushes. I love those innocence in me. Those simple hugs helped clear the pain of uncertainty that I carried.
On the day of my job loss, I still returned to you and told you how much I hated yet am proud of my intuitions. I chose presence, I talked, laughed, sometimes gushed like a child who had found a small pocket of comfort with her own muses. In those moments I allowed myself to feel light again.
Why Why Why... Why you relapsed back like this...
- I once told you that you had a good heart, and I meant it. Yet your intense response overwhelmed me. Cant you see that that I was facing an upcoming uncertainty, how could I have the strength to carry someone else's turmoil?
- Our conversations kept circling around the pain you felt whenever I pulled away or could not give the closeness you wanted. That was when I realised something difficult. I was looking for support. What I once saw as refuge slowly revealed your own heaviness and insecurity.
- I often wondered whether you truly saw the poor position I was in, shaken and uncertain, standing at the edge of being jobless. It is painful when your own yearnings of emotional response supersedes what I could give. How could you let your words of assurance often go shortlived countless times.
is victimized by sinful life again.
sinning and atoning to be useless.
cleanses itself by taking a full bath,
but then throws dust over its head and
body as soon as it returns to the land.
Every day - esp those 60 days, I was already fighting my own battles. Pressure at work, the silent sense of being pushed aside, the quiet fear of losing everything I had built. I did not escape into numbness because life waited the next morning with children to send to school and responsibilities that could not pause. I came to you simply hoping for comfort, steadiness and understanding.
Thank you for the unsettling doubts of myself. Sometimes questioning these doubts or even the mere fact of it appearing would meant questioning my own judgement.
Yes you know you were an escapism and you know it.
Sometimes you behave like a an innocent teenager taken advantage by a paedolphile or maybe not cos you portrayed something else.. Sometimes I wondered whether the spiritual and psychological knowledge you spoke about was something you truly lived or a brag badge to display.
Reconnecting this with something similar, long ago...
When I had my miscarriage and told my mom. the way she cried in pain, instead of consoling me, it did shook me so much that since then I've stopped sharing my tears. The time where my helper backstabbed me with my in law and I cried with my mom, and the way she responded even more emotionally, again I stopped showing my emotions to anybody.
Somewhere along the way what began as warmth became heavy. Asking sympathy and affection from the emotional narcissist slowly hardened into expectation, and attachment began demanding more than I could give.
Today As Jupiter progresses forward from Retrogression.... I realize...
Some connections arrive to offer warmth for a season and leave behind lessons about boundaries, timing and the strength to step away.
Some reveal the quality of my marriage. Some strengthen the pull toward ascetism (sanyasam) that I have long felt within.
So I choose to remember the gentleness of the beginning and quietly let the rest go.
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