Hare Ego

Today is Krsna's Janmashtami and I want to spend thinking of my Janam...

I had a silent desire for many years. I wanted to see this teaching become a real legacy of the founder who was from our very own soil. To me, Malaysia and Singapore are almost one community. Our food, culture, language and way of life are so connected. 

So when I saw/experienced what he had created, I felt this could become something much bigger than just a seven-day programme. He had taken difficult subjects like the unconscious mind, being present, the chakras, guilt, shame, sexuality, love and spirituality, and made them simple enough for an ordinary person to understand and experience. He brought these ideas through activities, the five senses and simple guided meditation. That was not a small thing.

But somewhere along the way, I realised that the philosophy was not really being understood by everyone who was supposed to carry it. Sometimes we hear a teaching, but we don't really live it. I thought, rather stupidly perhaps, that I could change this. I thought if I worked hard enough, suck it up towards few negativities, showed the possibilities and put proper systems in place, things would move. But destiny had other options for me- mostly due to my own undoings.

Well Looking back, I realise how much time and energy I spent trying to change something that I could not change by myself. You can give people the opportunity to see something differently, but you cannot make them see it.

What really saddened me was seeing how much energy could go into celebrating the founder's birthday, while very little energy went into asking what happens to his work after him. 

An individual going to his birthday spends minimally $150 on ticket, flight, accommodation.

The performer spends 30 hours rehearsing to perform.

The organizers - countless energy in making it happen.

During his birthday celebrations this year, I can see that easily 70k RM was easily spent.
I started looking at the numbers and thinking about what that money and energy could have done. I see that why people are willing to use his platform to raise their happy feelings but will they put in the same effort to slog harder to creating his legacy.

The same energy could have funded and built a proper digital presence, documented the teachings, trained new facilitators, reached younger people and taken the programme beyond the existing community. But perhaps I was looking at it differently. 

Maybe people from the organization simply wanted a platform to come together, dance, sing, perform, manage an event and celebrate someone they loved. There is nothing wrong with that. But I kept asking myself: who is thinking about the future of the teaching? Who is willing to really work for it, take the risks and burn themselves a little to make it happen?

I have seen/heard other spiritual organisations where people can simply walk in, learn meditation, attend talks, practise and participate. Some work mainly through donations. 

Take Brahma Kumaris, ISKCON, or even the ultimate body - Dhamma Vipassana and they have created systems that allow the teachings to reach people beyond one individual across the Globe. Whereas this centre charges a fee and yet are struggling in a backward ways.

I know I am not the only one who tried. There are people I am grateful to have met, including RamK and perhaps his heir, who also gave their own effort in their way. And I am sure there are others. So I don't want to sit here and pretend I was the only person who cared. But yes, I feel like a sore loser right now. I wanted so badly to make it work that accepting it is broken today is painful. 

What is left for me is actually very simple. Continue meditating. Continue being present. Continue trying to stay balanced. And take the lessons with me - that Leaders are still human. We have our own ego, our own stories, our own version of what happened and our own attachments. 

As above so below. Not all who wishes, could put into actions. Perhaps the Master and his co-founder himself has given up.

As within so beyond. Even I'm not capable of putting my anger to skew towards compassion and bite it thru.

For this very same reason I admire S.N. Goenka for making Vipassana accessible to ordinary people, removing financial barriers, preserving its simplicity with uniformity and trusting individuals to experience the teaching directly through practice. Not all can have such austerity, follow processes and take feedback.

Nonethelss, Thank you for the opportunity, for the lessons, for the people I met and for showing me what I can and cannot do. Dear Guru and Vivek, thank you for the immense joy I've felt upon myself - be it cooking, realisations, re-presented your teachings via online previews to many out there. 

I may not have been able to be part of this legacy I imagined, but I did my best.